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A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to Kairos

Posted: Thu Jun 02, 2022 7:40 pm
by thunda
This was a good day to be Ven Jarvik.

Jarvik was a man, a man’s man, a man among men. He stood before Servalan, fists on his hips, shirt open. Jarvik preferred his women the way he preferred his tea; hot and strong. He liked his ale warm and his steak rare. He had taken the Liberator, presented it to Servalan, and now there was only one thought on his primitive mind.

“It was still a costly exercise, Jarvik,” said Servalan. “Those Killer- Hunters are irreplaceable.”

“The Liberator's worth a hundred pursuit ships,” He replied.

“Not to mention the pilots. Good pilots. Not easy to train. You lost three.”

“They were mutoids. I wasn't prepared to see men die on my account. I have this primitive respect for life.”

“What about the shuttle’s guards?”

“Are you going to nitpick?”

“Yes.”

“Doesn't mean a thing to you, does it, Madam President? You've surrounded yourself with machines and weapons, mindless men and heartless mutoids; and when they've done your work, and the machines have done your thinking, what is there left in you that feels?!”

“My decision stands. You can watch the game after you’ve brought me their bracelets.”

And with that Jarvik huffed off (but in a manly way) to teleport down to Kairos.


“Tarrant! Avon!” screamed Dayna covered in cobweb. She trembled with fear as the giant spider stalked towards its helpless prey. She was almost in the grasp of the monstrous thing that shambled closer... slowly... very slowly... very, very slowly.

“Ssssssssssssssssssssssss,” [Good day. Would you have any kairopin you could spare?] said Brian as centimeter by centimeter he closed the distance.

“ Do something!” Cried Dayna.

“I think she means you,” Vila said to Tarrant.

“Thanks for nothing, Vila,” said Dayna.

Tarrant rushed to his teammate’s defense, ripping at the gossamer ensnaring her. “Dayna, this stuff tears right off. And how did something so large and slow sneak up on you?”

“How is Avon playing with a rock the whole episode?” replied Dayna.

“Tarrant,” Jarvik called, “keep still.”

“It’s fine, we’re going to make a run for it,” said Tarrant.

“Don't provoke it,” said Jarvik.

“Why would we provoke it when we can outrun it?” asked Tarrant.

“The thing is barely moving,” added Dayna.

“You, woman,” yelled Jarvik. “Give it the Kairopan.”

“Fine,” Dayna sighed, “we’ll do it your way.”

Reluctantly Dayna tossed Brian her kairopin, who happily munched it while leaving.

“Sssssssssssssssss.” [Thank you. Enjoy your day.]

Jarvik was pressed for time so he quickly mansplained the danger of kairopin before challenging Tarrant to hand to hand combat. Man to man, may the better man win.

They battled like two titans waging war, a pair of gladiators in a death duel, a couple of blokes in a pub fight. Tarrant fought his best but Jarvik fought for a greater cause. The only thing left was to collect the trophies then go back to the Liberator. He could catch the second period if this finished quickly, but the B7 crew took their time just to spite him.

“Oh, come on, be fair.” Jarvik pleaded.

“If you want mine you’ll have to take it,” said Dayna.

“There always has to be one.”

They fought man to woman (which doesn’t have the same ring as man to man) on the Kairos foliage, one for pride and one who wanted to see his team play.

“You fight well,” Jarvik told her, “but you’re still a woman.” Dayna replied with a knee to his groin because obviously she didn’t take that as a compliment nor did she care about the game.

“Guys?” said Dayna. “A little help?

“Sorry, I’m not in this scene.” Avon said.

“Neither am I,” said Tarrant. “I’ve already had my action scene.”

“Am I in this scene?” asked Vila.

“Nope,” said Cally. “I am, but I don’t know why.”

As the epic battle continued, Brian managed to stealthily sneak up on them again.

“Ssssssssssssss...,” said Brian. [Sorry to be a pest but do you... ]

“This is Jarvik. Teleport. Teleport now!”

“Sssssssssssssssssssssss.” [Well that was a bit rude. I only wanted to know the score of the game.]

The aroma of fish and chips informed Jarvik he might actually catch part of the game. Just enough time to grab a beer and have Zen put it on the big screen. Instead of the game Tarrant appeared on the audiovisual in what appeared to be a landing module attempting to bluff his way out. And no, the irony wasn’t lost on Jarvik considering the way he managed to take the Liberator. Jarvik roared with laughter. Who would be gullible enough to fall for...

“We have one of your friends aboard,” Servalan responded.

“Yes,” said Tarrant. “I'm sorry, Dayna.”

“Wait, what?” Dayna gasped.

“All right. Prepare to evacuate,” said Servalan.

“And don’t let the door hit you on the way out,” said Dayna.

“Oh, I almost forgot,” said Servalan, “Captain Shad, kill her,”

“Wait, what?” Dayna gasped once more.

“This is madness. There's no need to –” Jarvik bounded towards the ship’s view screen to change the channel just as Shad’s weapon discharged. A red-faced Shad bit his lip and wondered how this would look on his record while Jarvik died (in a manly way) without knowing the score of the game or who won but confident his name would live on forever. And with that the bad guys skidaddled leaving our crew to clean up.



“They've all gone.” Dayna looked down at the corpse on Liberator’s bridge. “Except for whoever this is. And he's not going anywhere anymore.”

“A waste. Arvik was a special sort of man,” Tarrant said.

“Spare us the eulogy. Jarvis was a Federation thug,” Avon said dryly. “Anybody seen Orac?”

“Am I in this scene?” asked Vila.

“Yes,” whispered Cally, “but you don’t have any lines,”

“Neither do you,” said Dayna. “Just help me throw whatshisname out the airlock.”

“Hurry up,” yelled Tarrant, “the game is still on.”